Hai, atus!

On break for a while. Other stuff must be done. Questionable Quotations will return one day, however!

Final Flantasy

"I'm not THAT emo. Good lord, fan boys and girls, stop hurting my portfolio."
Squall, Final Fantasy VIII, tired of being typecast

"It's nice being a hottie. It makes people forget that you burned down a village, killed dozens of people and threatened the world with virtual extinction. Bless these silver locks."
Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII, glamorous

"remake meeee"
Final Fantasy VII, crying out for logic in a chaotic world

Chess Mess

"I'm all alone..."
The pawns, sentinels in a world gone mad

"kOOky"
The knights, didn't read the rules of passing other pieces

"Piety means traveling in diagonals. Diagonals, my children!"
The bishops, holy sidlers

"We're big and we're mean... and we're usually stuck where we are. But when we aren't, watch out! Stupid pawn wall."
The rooks, usually sidelined for most of the match

"I am the ultimate power in the universe! BAHAHAAHA! Hey, bugger off, stop following me."
The queen, center of the action

"My life sucks. It's long moments of guarded tedium followed by sheer terror."
The king, bored out of his skull

Spidey Tidings

"I'm surrounded by tons of sexy women, but bad stuff usually happens to them. I'm not sure how to take that."
Spider-Man, the unluckiest lucky bastard ever

"Otto Octavius is your name? How unusual... hmm... yes... well, you do have an impressive resume, and I will admit that you would fit in nicely at our restaurant as management, but to be honest we only really want you in one position: dishwasher. Your extra arms would increase our productivity immensely."
A recruiter for Denny's, unaware that Doctor Octopus won't accept anything less than a salaried position - and rewards all other offers with blood

"Well, yeah, I suppose I do like killing a bit much, but... that's kinda... my thing, you know? It's what I do. I don't have many other hobbies. I liked woodworking as a kid, but then I killed my dad with the saw, soooo... why expand when you're already good at something?"
Carnage, stopped short while attacking an amateur psychoanalyst

If food could talk

"I am the fat. There's little good about me. Eat enough of my brethren and you will become a bloated bag, unable to move. Your blood pressure will soar, and in time, you will collapse. Defeated, forgotten. But you will continue to adore my kind, because, let's face it, we're freaking awesome."
A hamburger, knows the score

"I'm so lonely."
Brussell sprouts, the most melancholy of the healthy meal choices

"I am NOT Italian! I'm CHINESE! STOP CALLING ME EUROPEAN!"
Pasta, unsure of its origins

"Humans think they're the picky ones. No no no, my friends. We are the picky ones. We choose whom we want to eat us. True, there are those who are not elitist, but... well. One must have standards. I refuse to be eaten by some New York taxi driver. Not without putting up a fight! Bring me a rich man!"
A plate of foie gras, too cultured for its own good

Come, Eedions.

"SCREEEEEEEEEAM joke SCREEEEEEEAM joke"
Dane Cook, loud fellow

"I wonder if people ever forget that I can actually talk."
Rowan Atkinson, forever Mr. Bean

"Alright, folks! I'm gonna stand up here for ninety minutes and you won't have a FREAKIN' CLUE what I'm saying! But you know what? It's gonna be funny anyway! HERE WE GO!"
Robin Williams, had a few too many of the drugs and may well have actually said that at some point

Harry Dodder

"Lord Voldemort? More like Lord Mouldymort! Because he was... like... bald, and... really ugly... I guess... and now he's dead, 'cause I killed him and stuff... Mouldymort? Anybody? Is this thing on?"
Harry Potter, former hero of the wizarding world and short-lived stand-up comic

"Who gives a damn if I'm gay? I'm still awesome."
Albus Dumbledore, the friendly badass

"My family is poor and constantly mocked, one brother travels abroad all the time, the other is part werewolf or something and is married to a sex goddess, the twins are insane and my sister is shacked up with my best friend. Yeah, I may be a prig about relationships, but let's see YOU be normal under those circumstances!"
Ron Weasley, on his rocky romances

"My fandom creeps the hell out of me. You have no idea."
Draco Malfoy, eternal boy-toy

Zombees (sorry, Munchkin)

"They're zombies. They're slow. We don't have to worry."
Soon-to-be unfortunate victims in a movie populated by 'fast' zombies

"I want a girl with brains. You know, smarts. Intelligent. Big, juicy lobes. That would be great. Call me, ladies! Brains!"
Zombie, masquerading as a suitor on an online dating service

"Me? I'm not a gravekeeper. I'm the first line of defense in a battle that's coming. I've sacrificed my life and career to safeguard mankind! Just you wait, the end's coming, and when it does 'ol Jed will be ready! I won't let those buggers get so much as a finger out of their graves!"
Stir-crazy caretaker who's watched too many horror movies

Anne-ee-may

"Yeah, sure, they show me training and fighting and stuff, but I get the best workout when I just stand in one place, tense up and groan. It's surprisingly rigourous."
Goku, Dragonball Z

"IwishIcouldslowdownbutIhaveaheartlikeahummingbirdanditwillstopifIdoAWAY"
Speed Racer, possible drug addict

"I can't show you my mouth. It's actually a tiny black hole that will absorb the universe. Removing my mask would be a baaaaaad idea."
Kakashi, Naruto

"I'm prettier than anything you could ever imagine, and though I'm an absolute a-hole you still want me."
The average bishounen bad boy

Monsteritus

"Dammit, if she was brunette you all wouldn't care so much! Ow!"
King Kong, trapped atop the Empire State Building and politically incorrect

"Why do I only attack Japan? It's simple geography. The place is an island. I'm huge. If I get in trouble, there's water all around me. I don't have to go very far to escape. C'mon, folks, work with me here."
Godzilla, more calculating than he appears, and perhaps less racist

"What the hell am I? I don't even know."
The Cloverfield monster, one weird mother effer

Muppet Motivations

"One day, the world will know of my greatness. One day."
Beaker, translated from 'meep meep'

"Why do I date a frog? Because pigs are delicious! I'm a cannibal! I admit it! I love ham, pork, the whole lot! And I'll eat more of it all! Just you wait!"
Miss Piggy, secretive mass murderer

"Blue is more than a colour. It's a state of mind."
The Great Gonzo, manic depressive

Technologyyyyy

"If I buy a new laptop, it will be outdated within minutes. If I replace that laptop, then the replacement, too, will be outdated within minutes. The cycle is endless. I'll stick with growing carrots, thanks."
A wise man

"Your computer is broken? What seems to be the problem? Uh huh... uh huh... can't find the Any key? Okay, sir, here's what you're going to do. First, grab your phone. No, no, the base. The thingy with the buttons. Got it? Good. Now look on it for a button that says 'Off' or a grey switch you can depress or something. Hit that and your problem should be solved."
A long-suffering call center tech

"We win."
Bill Gates to Steve Jobs, shortly before clinking their wine glasses together

Gotta feel sad for them there musicians

"We've put countless hours into our work. It's popular, and by god, it's copyrighted. We deserve some money for our efforts. Why would you try and cut us out of the loop? Why can't we get what we deserve? Don't share our music for free online! We will stop you through any means possible! The legal system is on our side, miscreants!"
The music industry

"That's cool and all, but you really can't stop us."
The Internet

"Yeah, we know..."
The music industry

Internetities

"I'm a 180-pound, muscle-bound hunk with blonde hair, blue eyes and a generous package. I also have a black belt in every martial art imaginable, so fighting me is like getting into a brawl with a black hole. Yep, I'm awesome and you suck."
The average Internet user, able to hide behind their own anonymity

"You may or may not have insulted what I like. I will now proceed to destroy every one of your opinions, insult your overall competence and possibly steal your credit card number."
As above, including smug superiority

"lol n00b"
Those Internet users that the older generations will never, ever understand

"The recession's in full swing, vicious fighting is breaking out everywhere and people are dying across the planet, but, hey, here's a video of a puppy trying to climb some stairs. Aww, look, it can't quite make that first step! Adorable."
You probably know this person

Animal Slackers

""So we're a 'pack'. Is that like a pack of gum? Baseball cards? Paper? Or the verb pack? Are we, like, packing off to cause some mischief? I just want some context, here. I'm interested."
Donnie, the overly-analytical (and least popular) wolf in his pack

"You don't ask me how I find my way south every winter and I won't ask you how thumbs work."
A famous duck, annoyed at a reporter

"bzzzzzzz"
A bee, because that's just what bees do

Bitter memories of the stock room

“I’m cheerful and helpful and I can do anything! Just you wait!”

The average retail employee, fresh out of training

“I have lost all faith in humanity. You’ve sucked away my will to live. I will ring you through, but truly, I won’t give a damn.”

The average retail employee after a year of working

“I wanna pony, and a castle, and, and, and, and the MOON! And if you don’t get me all these things NOW, I will scream and flail and hate you for the rest of your life! NOW!”

Too many customers at any retail job, from ages five to eighty-five

"Yes, the customer smashed the displays, spat in your face and stole your pocket change, but they're the customer. They're always right. Sorry, but you're fired for standing up for yourself."

Roughly half of retail managers

"Get out of my store. Now."

The other, awesome half of retail managers, shortly after a terrible customer incident and shortly before giving their workers props 

Freudy doidy

"I only place so much stress on mothers because mine made the most delectable chocolate cake. It made me want to... well, you see... that is... it was very good cake."
Sigmund Freud, gross old man

"Woooooop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!"

"Why, I oughta bust yer heads in!"

"Can't bust ours, we're in someone else's! Nyuk nyuk!"
Id, Ego and Superego, at it again

"Whether they agree with me or not, people will always argue over my methods and my conclusions. Therefore, I will live forever. Eat that."
Sigmund Freud, the man with the plan

Cartoonisms

"Today's cartoons have up-to-date writing, smooth animation and excellent voice actors. The plot is great. They're nothing like the cartoons of old! All the new stuff sucks!"
The average aging cartoons fan, conveniently forgetting that the old classics were usually terrible by today's standards

"I don't know what the smurf we're talking about half the smurf. Smurf me."
Should be damn obvious

"Autobots, transform and roll out! We're going to McDonalds."
Optimus Prime, fast food fan

"You're a bunch of bastards. I'm still a Care Bear! I'm still all about love!"
Young Love Bear, kept safely in jail where no one can see his rude belly badge

All over the board

“No! No! Please no! Please, put me back in! I don’t want to be out here, this world frightens me!” 

The translated squall of a newborn baby after discovering MTV’s daily lineup

“Life is like a box of chocolates. All you get are the crappy cherry ones.” 

Tom Hanks, during an irksome day on the set of Forrest Gump

“I really don’t understand why these blasted indians are sick all the time.” 

Any European explorer to the ‘New World’

“I’m the only leading man capable of attracting vast legions of adoring women while still looking creepy as hell. It’s a great life.” 

Jack Nicholson, knows how it’s done

Neentendo

“That Peach, she is... she is so… how do you say, unclean prostitute?”
Mario, Super Mario Bros.


“I always a-wished I hadda the red, you know? The green, she is nice, but, ah, she doesna no stand out, you know? Red is-a dynamic! In-a your face! The green… well, poor weegee don’t geta much attention these days. Someatimes I just don’t get outta the bed.”
Luigi, Super Mario Bros.

“I want a donut for once. Power pellets can bite me. Yes, I get the irony!”
Pac Man, of the same name

“I can’t… I can’t take it anymore. There’s no room for growth! For expansion! My career is going nowhere! How dramatic can you be when all you do is say your name over and over? My talents are being wasted! I’m the ultimate typecast actor!”
Pikachu of Pokemon, regarding its dwindling career

Randomites

“I should probably stop making new Star Wars movies. I know when to leave well enough alone.”
George Lucas, Star Wars Overlord

“Maybe I should tone it down a bit.”
Lady Gaga, we don’t really know anymore

“Let them eat cake! All of them! I have so much of it from my last party! Please, deliver it to the masses in wagons! Let there be cake for all! And perhaps a few of these baguettes that I use to hold up my hair!”
Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, who lived happily ever after

Star Warsin'

“What? Don’t look at me like that. His hair floats everywhere. He’s always shedding. It could have gotten down there any number of ways. Don’t… don’t look at me like that.”
Princess Leia, trying desperately to hide a forbidden love affair with a certain wookiee

“You are to come straight home after work. I don’t care how old you are, you’re my son, and by god, I’m going to make up for all those years I missed. Now give your old man a hug.”

“Daaaaaaad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my friends.”

“Good. It’s the laughter of love, son.”
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, in an alternate universe where Luke just wishes his father was dead

“Vocal tick, this is, mmm, yes. Hate it, I do. To speech therapy, twice weekly, I go.”
Yoda, eternal sufferer

Star Trekkin'

“I honestly have no idea what my bridge crew is saying ninety percent of the time. ‘Make it so’ usually gets me through the rough spots.”
Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“The other Star Trek captains can fight over who’s the best all they want. I’m the voice of Flemeth in Dragon Age, and by god, that’s better than any amount of trekkie prestige.”
Kate Mulgrew, aka Captain Kathryn Janeway

“Dammit, Jim, I’m an actor, not a doctor! This gig sucks.”
DeForest Kelley, aka Dr. Leonard McCoy

“I have crushed your resistance. Your will, your strength, is mine. Now, with your resources at my fingertips, I shall rule the world! All fear the Nimoy!”
Leonard Nimoy, shortly after being greenlighted as the director for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Teh Random

“You’re asking me if I’ve ever done drugs? Just watch one of my interviews, man. What do you think?”
Jeff Bridges, most relaxed dude in the universe

“The next person to make fun of my haircut on the show will feel the cold, unending kiss of the void. Kneel before me, dogs!”
Leonard Nimoy, doesn’t mess around

“I hate you! I hate all of you! I hate this whole goddamned family and everything it stands for! I hope you all rot in hell!”
Most people after losing a game of Monopoly

The Rube Tube

“Please, please, transform into something that’s not going to pollute the air!”
An environmental activist, days before the Autobots were exiled from Earth for harming the ozone layer

“De train, boss! De train!”
Tattoo on the fantastically unsuccessful television sequel Fantasy Railway

“Star Trek? That’s a stupid name for a show. It’ll never go anywhere, never. Mark my words.”
William Shatner, lacks foresight

“I swear to god, My Little Pony is actually awesome now.”
An alarmingly large portion of the population

Video Lames

“I know, I know, I screw up and lose the princess every time. I’m a staunch believer in karma now, though, ‘cause I’m wicked lucky at the slots. How do you think I afford all my wacky plots?”
Bowser, Super Mario Bros.

“Why rings? I dunno. You don’t ask questions in my line of work. You just do what you’re told.”
Sonic the Hedgehog, hinting at sinister designs behind unexplained game mechanics

“Boba Fett. And the guys from COBRA. Maybe Samus, as well. They all really opened up the field for masked action stars like me. Show your face? Forget about it.”
Master Chief, Halo

“Miss-a the old days? Are you-a crazy? It’s so much easier to not-a get hit in three-dee! Those old games, they were-a pure torture halfa the time! Mama mia, to-a hell with retro!”
Mario, Super Mario Bros.

Ain't no order

“That other political party makes a lot of sense. They have some valid points. I value their intelligent discourse in our place of government, and hope they do well in the next election.”
Any political party

“My next book is called Woo-Woo Bean the Bear. It’s a long story. Just like all of my stories.”
Stephen King, out of ideas

“Let the heavens shake and the earth recoil with fear, for lo! I have arrived.”
Leonard Nimoy, shortly before the fiery end of Comic-Con ‘06

“I stopped playing good guys and started playing bad guys because, as Luke Skywalker, I realized that the straight-and-narrow bastards don’t get the ladies. Look at Luke! He was jonesing for his sister the whole time, and by the end all he got to do was watch his dad’s funeral. The Joker? Harley Quinn, right out of the gate. Straight up.”
Mark Hamill, cool dude

Comic, shmomics

“I never liked my parents anyway.”
Batman

“Hey hey hey, pretty ladies, wanna check out my smooooooth ride? It’s got rockets ‘n everything! No, no, I don’t got nuthin’ better to do this evening, swear…”
Bruce Wayne, finally normal

“Thank god I’m popular. I can die as many times as I want, and the writers will just keep bringing me back. I’m like a soap opera star in tights.”
Spider-Man, immortal icon

“My psychic powers are so vast that I can peep on fifteen women, simultaneously, while holding a completely cogent conversation with a sixteenth party. Possibly female. Are you not impressed?”
Professor Xavier, eternal creeper

Randonimity

“The moustache is iconic. I could never get rid of it. And I never will.”
Alex Trebek, a dirty, dirty liar

“Most people have pubic hair in their shower drains. I have mounds of my own congealed blood, because I keep stabbing myself while I wash. Do you have any idea how easy it is to pop those damn claws when you’re reaching for the conditioner? Do you?!”
Wolverine, The X-Men

“Four score, but not seven years ago. That was last night, and that was me, and the four were quadruplets from Maine. Lovely girls, and I bagged ‘em all. Booyah!”
Abraham Lincoln, during his practice run of the Gettysburg Address

The Lord of the Wrings

“When Gandalf mentioned a ring, I thought he might be proposing, and… I… I mean, look at his actor, and… well, I guess I’d better put this dress away.”
Frodo Baggins

“You have no idea how hard I had to pitch myself to get included in those damn movies. Went to auditions, screen tests, role calls, every production meeting they ever had… it was brutal. And then they cut me out of the third movie completely! First Tolkein, now Peter Jackson? What is this?! I’m the villain of the story, for god’s sake! Not some fiery eye in the sky! Bullshit, I tell you.”
Sauron, during an interview at his Nebraska home

“I didn’t want the ring, per se. I just had my social insurance number written on the inner band. I always forget the last three digits. You can’t get any good jobs as a creepy underground fish eater without your SIN.”
Gollum

"'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.' Huh. Sorry, Frodo, I thought this was actually important."
Gandalf the Grey, shortly before tossing the One Ring back in the fire and sitting down for a nice cup of tea

Of actors and reptiles

“I will be the death of film, because when I die… well, what’s the point of going on?”
Morgan Freeman, actor extraordinaire

“People know me best as a rough-and-tumble super soldier type guy who can never be beat, but… truth is, I’m sensitive. I write a lot of poetry. I like watching the sunset while sipping a venti. My world is a pit of lyrical loneliness. You just don’t understand!”
Solid Snake, moments before bursting into bitter tears

“I just want to talk, but you assholes keep shooting me!”
Godzilla, misunderstood

“I have two great loves. The first is the theatre, and all things Shakespearean. The second? Nachos. Oh, how I adore nachos.”
Kenneth Branaugh, snuggling a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos

New layout.

Compared to my other website layouts, Questionable Quotations is, appropriately, a little questionable. I'm not sure what I want this place to look like just yet. As it stands, I'm at least sticking with that weird Geo font. Yell at me if it's too difficult to read.

The quotes will begin raining down momentarily, so stay tuned!

First post! And an apology.

These quotations are not real. Not a one of them. They've all come out of my twisted brain, and consequently should not be taken as a reflection of the truth. The whole site is a

PARODY

of incredible proportions, and always will be. If somebody starts tweeting these things and insisting they're real, well, that somebody is a bald-faced liar. Or a silly, ignorant twit.

Enjoy!