Harry Dodder

"Lord Voldemort? More like Lord Mouldymort! Because he was... like... bald, and... really ugly... I guess... and now he's dead, 'cause I killed him and stuff... Mouldymort? Anybody? Is this thing on?"
Harry Potter, former hero of the wizarding world and short-lived stand-up comic

"Who gives a damn if I'm gay? I'm still awesome."
Albus Dumbledore, the friendly badass

"My family is poor and constantly mocked, one brother travels abroad all the time, the other is part werewolf or something and is married to a sex goddess, the twins are insane and my sister is shacked up with my best friend. Yeah, I may be a prig about relationships, but let's see YOU be normal under those circumstances!"
Ron Weasley, on his rocky romances

"My fandom creeps the hell out of me. You have no idea."
Draco Malfoy, eternal boy-toy

Zombees (sorry, Munchkin)

"They're zombies. They're slow. We don't have to worry."
Soon-to-be unfortunate victims in a movie populated by 'fast' zombies

"I want a girl with brains. You know, smarts. Intelligent. Big, juicy lobes. That would be great. Call me, ladies! Brains!"
Zombie, masquerading as a suitor on an online dating service

"Me? I'm not a gravekeeper. I'm the first line of defense in a battle that's coming. I've sacrificed my life and career to safeguard mankind! Just you wait, the end's coming, and when it does 'ol Jed will be ready! I won't let those buggers get so much as a finger out of their graves!"
Stir-crazy caretaker who's watched too many horror movies

Monsteritus

"Dammit, if she was brunette you all wouldn't care so much! Ow!"
King Kong, trapped atop the Empire State Building and politically incorrect

"Why do I only attack Japan? It's simple geography. The place is an island. I'm huge. If I get in trouble, there's water all around me. I don't have to go very far to escape. C'mon, folks, work with me here."
Godzilla, more calculating than he appears, and perhaps less racist

"What the hell am I? I don't even know."
The Cloverfield monster, one weird mother effer

All over the board

“No! No! Please no! Please, put me back in! I don’t want to be out here, this world frightens me!” 

The translated squall of a newborn baby after discovering MTV’s daily lineup

“Life is like a box of chocolates. All you get are the crappy cherry ones.” 

Tom Hanks, during an irksome day on the set of Forrest Gump

“I really don’t understand why these blasted indians are sick all the time.” 

Any European explorer to the ‘New World’

“I’m the only leading man capable of attracting vast legions of adoring women while still looking creepy as hell. It’s a great life.” 

Jack Nicholson, knows how it’s done

Randomites

“I should probably stop making new Star Wars movies. I know when to leave well enough alone.”
George Lucas, Star Wars Overlord

“Maybe I should tone it down a bit.”
Lady Gaga, we don’t really know anymore

“Let them eat cake! All of them! I have so much of it from my last party! Please, deliver it to the masses in wagons! Let there be cake for all! And perhaps a few of these baguettes that I use to hold up my hair!”
Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, who lived happily ever after

Star Warsin'

“What? Don’t look at me like that. His hair floats everywhere. He’s always shedding. It could have gotten down there any number of ways. Don’t… don’t look at me like that.”
Princess Leia, trying desperately to hide a forbidden love affair with a certain wookiee

“You are to come straight home after work. I don’t care how old you are, you’re my son, and by god, I’m going to make up for all those years I missed. Now give your old man a hug.”

“Daaaaaaad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my friends.”

“Good. It’s the laughter of love, son.”
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, in an alternate universe where Luke just wishes his father was dead

“Vocal tick, this is, mmm, yes. Hate it, I do. To speech therapy, twice weekly, I go.”
Yoda, eternal sufferer

Star Trekkin'

“I honestly have no idea what my bridge crew is saying ninety percent of the time. ‘Make it so’ usually gets me through the rough spots.”
Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“The other Star Trek captains can fight over who’s the best all they want. I’m the voice of Flemeth in Dragon Age, and by god, that’s better than any amount of trekkie prestige.”
Kate Mulgrew, aka Captain Kathryn Janeway

“Dammit, Jim, I’m an actor, not a doctor! This gig sucks.”
DeForest Kelley, aka Dr. Leonard McCoy

“I have crushed your resistance. Your will, your strength, is mine. Now, with your resources at my fingertips, I shall rule the world! All fear the Nimoy!”
Leonard Nimoy, shortly after being greenlighted as the director for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Teh Random

“You’re asking me if I’ve ever done drugs? Just watch one of my interviews, man. What do you think?”
Jeff Bridges, most relaxed dude in the universe

“The next person to make fun of my haircut on the show will feel the cold, unending kiss of the void. Kneel before me, dogs!”
Leonard Nimoy, doesn’t mess around

“I hate you! I hate all of you! I hate this whole goddamned family and everything it stands for! I hope you all rot in hell!”
Most people after losing a game of Monopoly

Ain't no order

“That other political party makes a lot of sense. They have some valid points. I value their intelligent discourse in our place of government, and hope they do well in the next election.”
Any political party

“My next book is called Woo-Woo Bean the Bear. It’s a long story. Just like all of my stories.”
Stephen King, out of ideas

“Let the heavens shake and the earth recoil with fear, for lo! I have arrived.”
Leonard Nimoy, shortly before the fiery end of Comic-Con ‘06

“I stopped playing good guys and started playing bad guys because, as Luke Skywalker, I realized that the straight-and-narrow bastards don’t get the ladies. Look at Luke! He was jonesing for his sister the whole time, and by the end all he got to do was watch his dad’s funeral. The Joker? Harley Quinn, right out of the gate. Straight up.”
Mark Hamill, cool dude

The Lord of the Wrings

“When Gandalf mentioned a ring, I thought he might be proposing, and… I… I mean, look at his actor, and… well, I guess I’d better put this dress away.”
Frodo Baggins

“You have no idea how hard I had to pitch myself to get included in those damn movies. Went to auditions, screen tests, role calls, every production meeting they ever had… it was brutal. And then they cut me out of the third movie completely! First Tolkein, now Peter Jackson? What is this?! I’m the villain of the story, for god’s sake! Not some fiery eye in the sky! Bullshit, I tell you.”
Sauron, during an interview at his Nebraska home

“I didn’t want the ring, per se. I just had my social insurance number written on the inner band. I always forget the last three digits. You can’t get any good jobs as a creepy underground fish eater without your SIN.”
Gollum

"'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.' Huh. Sorry, Frodo, I thought this was actually important."
Gandalf the Grey, shortly before tossing the One Ring back in the fire and sitting down for a nice cup of tea

Of actors and reptiles

“I will be the death of film, because when I die… well, what’s the point of going on?”
Morgan Freeman, actor extraordinaire

“People know me best as a rough-and-tumble super soldier type guy who can never be beat, but… truth is, I’m sensitive. I write a lot of poetry. I like watching the sunset while sipping a venti. My world is a pit of lyrical loneliness. You just don’t understand!”
Solid Snake, moments before bursting into bitter tears

“I just want to talk, but you assholes keep shooting me!”
Godzilla, misunderstood

“I have two great loves. The first is the theatre, and all things Shakespearean. The second? Nachos. Oh, how I adore nachos.”
Kenneth Branaugh, snuggling a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos