All over the board

“No! No! Please no! Please, put me back in! I don’t want to be out here, this world frightens me!” 

The translated squall of a newborn baby after discovering MTV’s daily lineup

“Life is like a box of chocolates. All you get are the crappy cherry ones.” 

Tom Hanks, during an irksome day on the set of Forrest Gump

“I really don’t understand why these blasted indians are sick all the time.” 

Any European explorer to the ‘New World’

“I’m the only leading man capable of attracting vast legions of adoring women while still looking creepy as hell. It’s a great life.” 

Jack Nicholson, knows how it’s done

Star Warsin'

“What? Don’t look at me like that. His hair floats everywhere. He’s always shedding. It could have gotten down there any number of ways. Don’t… don’t look at me like that.”
Princess Leia, trying desperately to hide a forbidden love affair with a certain wookiee

“You are to come straight home after work. I don’t care how old you are, you’re my son, and by god, I’m going to make up for all those years I missed. Now give your old man a hug.”

“Daaaaaaad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my friends.”

“Good. It’s the laughter of love, son.”
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, in an alternate universe where Luke just wishes his father was dead

“Vocal tick, this is, mmm, yes. Hate it, I do. To speech therapy, twice weekly, I go.”
Yoda, eternal sufferer

Star Trekkin'

“I honestly have no idea what my bridge crew is saying ninety percent of the time. ‘Make it so’ usually gets me through the rough spots.”
Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation

“The other Star Trek captains can fight over who’s the best all they want. I’m the voice of Flemeth in Dragon Age, and by god, that’s better than any amount of trekkie prestige.”
Kate Mulgrew, aka Captain Kathryn Janeway

“Dammit, Jim, I’m an actor, not a doctor! This gig sucks.”
DeForest Kelley, aka Dr. Leonard McCoy

“I have crushed your resistance. Your will, your strength, is mine. Now, with your resources at my fingertips, I shall rule the world! All fear the Nimoy!”
Leonard Nimoy, shortly after being greenlighted as the director for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Teh Random

“You’re asking me if I’ve ever done drugs? Just watch one of my interviews, man. What do you think?”
Jeff Bridges, most relaxed dude in the universe

“The next person to make fun of my haircut on the show will feel the cold, unending kiss of the void. Kneel before me, dogs!”
Leonard Nimoy, doesn’t mess around

“I hate you! I hate all of you! I hate this whole goddamned family and everything it stands for! I hope you all rot in hell!”
Most people after losing a game of Monopoly

The Rube Tube

“Please, please, transform into something that’s not going to pollute the air!”
An environmental activist, days before the Autobots were exiled from Earth for harming the ozone layer

“De train, boss! De train!”
Tattoo on the fantastically unsuccessful television sequel Fantasy Railway

“Star Trek? That’s a stupid name for a show. It’ll never go anywhere, never. Mark my words.”
William Shatner, lacks foresight

“I swear to god, My Little Pony is actually awesome now.”
An alarmingly large portion of the population

Ain't no order

“That other political party makes a lot of sense. They have some valid points. I value their intelligent discourse in our place of government, and hope they do well in the next election.”
Any political party

“My next book is called Woo-Woo Bean the Bear. It’s a long story. Just like all of my stories.”
Stephen King, out of ideas

“Let the heavens shake and the earth recoil with fear, for lo! I have arrived.”
Leonard Nimoy, shortly before the fiery end of Comic-Con ‘06

“I stopped playing good guys and started playing bad guys because, as Luke Skywalker, I realized that the straight-and-narrow bastards don’t get the ladies. Look at Luke! He was jonesing for his sister the whole time, and by the end all he got to do was watch his dad’s funeral. The Joker? Harley Quinn, right out of the gate. Straight up.”
Mark Hamill, cool dude

Randonimity

“The moustache is iconic. I could never get rid of it. And I never will.”
Alex Trebek, a dirty, dirty liar

“Most people have pubic hair in their shower drains. I have mounds of my own congealed blood, because I keep stabbing myself while I wash. Do you have any idea how easy it is to pop those damn claws when you’re reaching for the conditioner? Do you?!”
Wolverine, The X-Men

“Four score, but not seven years ago. That was last night, and that was me, and the four were quadruplets from Maine. Lovely girls, and I bagged ‘em all. Booyah!”
Abraham Lincoln, during his practice run of the Gettysburg Address

Of actors and reptiles

“I will be the death of film, because when I die… well, what’s the point of going on?”
Morgan Freeman, actor extraordinaire

“People know me best as a rough-and-tumble super soldier type guy who can never be beat, but… truth is, I’m sensitive. I write a lot of poetry. I like watching the sunset while sipping a venti. My world is a pit of lyrical loneliness. You just don’t understand!”
Solid Snake, moments before bursting into bitter tears

“I just want to talk, but you assholes keep shooting me!”
Godzilla, misunderstood

“I have two great loves. The first is the theatre, and all things Shakespearean. The second? Nachos. Oh, how I adore nachos.”
Kenneth Branaugh, snuggling a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos